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The Search For The Butter Bandit: Daily Prison Life

The Butter Bandit is back, and the only thing that has prevented me from catching him is the nonsensical holiday schedule we are on. The timing of everything has been shifted, and my plot to catch him as been foiled. At this moment, I am sure you have many questions, and have no idea what I am talking about. Which is what I expect. Prison is a very peculiar environment, and we often act peculiarly in our attempt to make our days feel less monotonous and boring. For everything is the same, day in, day out.

Same place, same people, same food, same clothes, same everything. Like anybody else, we all want to laugh and not focus on our dreary existence. Which brings us back to the original proposition, the Butter Bandit, and our mysterious “holiday” schedule. Beginning with the Butter Bandit, this all started several months ago when I arose from my bed every single morning to find a stack of single-use butters resting on my desk. No matter if I changed the time I woke up, or even pretended to sleep with one eye partially open, the Butter Bandit would always strike without me seeing him. His elusiveness infuriated me.

The Butter Bandit struck far more people than just myself. It had been occurring in the general area of my cube. Leading a small group of guys to constantly accuse one another of being the Butter Bandit. Arguments that became rowdy and hilarious. Truthfully, I have to admit that I have been the Butter Bandit myself quite a few times. A copy-cat Butter Bandit that is. In my pursuit of finding who the real one was, I had placed several stacks of butter around to gauge peoples’ responses. However, this proved to be futile, and a few guys were really upset that butter got all over their clothes … thankfully the Butter Bandit wasn’t discovered.

Before I get too far into describing the shenanigans of the Butter Bandit, let me expand upon our mysterious “holiday” schedule. Well, here in the Bureau of Prisons, we celebrate every federal holiday. This will include a special meal for lunch, as well as the closing of several departments, such as education, and a schedule change that shifts the times we can move between buildings, or go to the chow hall. Except, no one knows what the holiday has been these past two days. The rumors were crazy. I heard that there was a sex sting between some guards. That a plane crashed nearby. That the president was making a visit.

But, it turned out to be some local version of a “Corrections Appreciation Day.” Something that shafted us, considering there was nothing special going on except the closing of resources we all need to conduct legal work (people will miss deadlines and do more prison time), and participate in classes that reduce the rates of recidivism. Which all makes sense now. Considering the whole phenomenon of recidivism is a process that provides them with job security, of course they are going to shut everything down so they can get paid to play softball, have a BBQ, play Frisbee, and what have you. But thanks to karma … it rained!

But that is neither here nor there, as the whole purpose of this post was to describe the dreaded Butter Bandit. You see, the problem with the Butter Bandit is I have never discovered who the original one was. As soon as he took a break from planting his squares of butter all about (it has to be a guy for it is a male prison, unless female staff did it, which would be a major twist …), several copy-cats came in and started doing the same. Which brings us to my plot to catch him today. With the Butter Bandit back in full swing, my plan was to plant several mirrors with magnets in my cube so I could lie down facing the wall, and still have a perfect view of my desk and surrounding area.

Having done this last night, I had everything setup for this morning, and even woke up at 5 a.m. to stay vigilant and wait for the Bandit to come to me. But he never came. With a “holiday” schedule in effect, the lights never came on till later in the morning, breakfast was pushed back an hour, and my Bunkie was up and at em’ far earlier than he normally is. All of which must have scared the Butter Bandit off. What a shame!

I’ll just have to recalibrate and push it back another week or so as the Bandit has insider information. For all I know, my Bunkie could be the Butter Bandit. Or, it is my neighbors, shit, it could be anyone. All I know for sure is that the Butter Bandit is here to spread butter for another day, and I do not need any more fucking butter.

What a mystery!

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